Extra Biblical Literature on Halloween Candy

Here are some recently discovered writings on the proper dividing of the spoils for Halloween candy (posted on this blog). Certainly not inspired, but quite humorous (compare to Leviticus)...

From the Book of Davidicus

3 Of the spoils of your wandering, you shall devote a tenth of the firstfruits to your father. But take heed that you devote what has chocolate, so that he shall be pleased with what he receives.

4 Of the Reese's®, you shall devote them all, likewise the Snickers®. But take heed, lest you try to test your father and give him Skittles® instead of M&Ms®, and thereby incur his disfavor.

5 Of the Pixi Stix®, and the Sweet Tarts®, and the Kandy Korn®, you shall give him no part, for they are an abomination unto him. But of the Nestle Crunch® and Krackel®, you shall give him a portion, as a peace offering.

6 Lest you grumble because of the nuts in the flesh of your spoils, you may offer the bars that contain them unto your father. Mr. Goodbar® is favored, as are the Peanut M&Ms®. Almond Joy® hath nuts, Mounds® don't.

7 You shall reserve the choicest fruits: the special darks, and the truffles, for an offering to your mother, who bore you, who brought you to life. And it is under her rule as to when you are able to eat the remainder.

8 And on the day of cleansing, the last day, all the bags shall be opened, and I shall say unto you, "How on earth did we get so many Tootsie Rolls®?" And all that remains will be cast into the bin.

9 And if any acceptable offerings are found that have been left to rot, or get that white crusty stuff on the chocolate, I shall say to you, "How is it that you have hidden this from my eyes, and have not even eaten it?" And your father shall not be pleased with you.

HT: Joel

If David Letterman had a Top 10 List for Worst Praise Songs Ever

... or top 10 signs you're not in a healthy church...



HT: Stephen

Facinating facts about Spurgeon

I bet you didn't know some of these facts about Charles H. Spurgeon. Below are a from this article by Eric W. Hayden, a former pastor of Metropoliton Tabernacle, where Spurgeon preached for 38 years:

• Charles Haddon Spurgeon is history's most widely read preacher (apart from the biblical ones). Today, there is available more material written by Spurgeon than by any other Christian author, living or dead.

• One woman was converted through reading a single page of one of Spurgeon's sermons wrapped around some butter she had bought.

• Spurgeon read The Pilgrim's Progress at age 6 and went on to read it over 100 times.

• The New Park Street Pulpit and The Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit—the collected sermons of Spurgeon during his ministry with that congregation—fill 63 volumes. The sermons' 20-25 million words are equivalent to the 27 volumes of the ninth edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica. The series stands as the largest set of books by a single author in the history of Christianity.

Praise the Lord for powerfully gifted men like Charles Spurgeon! Read the rest of the article (click here) to learn how many times Spurgeon preached before the age of 20 (hint: if you guessed 500, think higher!) ... and many other interesting facts.

HT:Ryan

Sunday's Coming!

Is this your church? If so, why?

"Sunday's Coming" Movie Trailer from North Point Media on Vimeo.

Pastors away from the pulpit

Here is a couple of items from two pastors at Grace Community Church, only not like you have seen them before!

Check out this Twitter exchange between Phil Johnson (Pyro blogger) and the organist for the Atlanta Braves.

Also, check out this video shared by a recent Master's College graduate, featuring John MacArthur, president of TMC.

HT: Dan

Jack Bauer School of Evangelism

You can find this and many other hilarious pictures over on Sacred Sandwich!

T Rex Christianity

This site is funny. Here's a taste ...

Top 10 Funny Products

We received an unsolicited Harriet Carter catalog and I must admit, it's been a lot of fun to look through. Some of these products are actually quite amazing, but here are the top 10 of the-well, ridiculous!

• Fake Pet - "SLEEPING PUPPY is the next best thing to owning a real four-legged friend! Adorable, lifelike plush pup actually "breathes" and gently snores like a real dog. Comes with collar, bed, pet brush, adoption certificate, red canvas pet carrier, and one D battery. A cuddly, maintenance- free companion for kids ... or any pet lover!"

• Toilet Mug - "Toilet Mug for that cup of java that's really good to the last drop! Enjoy your morning brew with this one-of-a-kind potty-shaped mug. Amusing gag coffee mug is a surefire conversation starter that'll leave 'em flushed with laughter! Holds 12 fl. oz. Ceramic."

• Gut disguiser - "Men’s body shaper instantly gives you a slimmer, trimmer look! Compression undergarment fits invisibly under clothes as it com­fortably tightens, firms and smoothes waistline and upper torso for a leaner appearance, improved posture and better fitting shirts. Light­weight spandex/nylon. Imported."

• Nasal cones - "Snore less, breathe easier with miracle nasal cones! Soft, flexible rubber cones fit comfortably in your nostrils at bedtime to aid breathing, reduce snoring, congestion and resulting mouth dryness. They open nasal airways naturally, are washable, re­usable, and trim to fit. You get a set of 4 in two sizes. USA made."

• Pet tombstone - "Personalized pet monument makes a lasting tribute to one who gave you so much love and devotion. Use it to mark pet's favorite spot in your yard or garden, where so many happy hours were spent. Name and dates are engraved in this stone-look poly/resin plaque. Included ground stakes assure monument stays in place. 9¾" x 6¾" x 1" D."

• DIY Legal Will - "Write your own Legal Will. Do-it-yourself kit gives you everything you need to write a will that is legally valid in all 50 states. Did you know that without a will, the state decides who gets what? Written by an attorney, this money-saving kit contains fact booklet on wills, easy-to-follow instructions and a fill-in-the-blanks will. Don't put it off!"

• Haircut umbrella - "Hair Cutting Umbrella is an essential tool for the home stylist! Cape resembles an inverted umbrella to catch clippings as you trim, so neck, clothes and floor are protected. Special upturned 'lip' along outer edge contains loose hairs until youíre ready to discard them, saves you time during clean-upóno tedious sweeping or vacuuming needed! Slips over head and secures with self-close tabs; adjusts to fit neck size. Folds to store. Nylon. 22" diam."

• Garden torch - "Garden torch clears away weeds to make yard work a snap. Lightweight, long reaching torch kills weeds down to the root, even aids in tree stump removal. Can also be used to melt icy patches on outdoor steps and walks without tedious chipping and scraping! Adjustable valve controls intensity of flame. Uses inexpensive propane cylinder from any hardware store. Nickel-plated steel and brass. 32" L."

• Bald guy haircare - "Bald Guyz® Grooming Products protect and keep clean-cut heads looking and feeling their best. SPF 30+ Sunscreen Gel with vitamins and herbal moisturizers prevents sunburn, dryness and damage. The sweat-resistant, quick-drying formula won’t leave a sticky residue so it’s great for those with thinning hair, too. Perfect for face, neck and head. Gentle Moisture Gel calms and soothes minor skin irritations and razor burn. Apply after shaving to restore skin’s balance. Each product is 4 fl. oz. Head Wipes (set of 16) clean off perspiration without leaving head shiny or drying skin. Keep them in a glove compartment or gym bag as a quick refresher. For all skin types. Made in USA"

• Tootpick vudu doll - "Toothpick Holder Man will be the talk of the party! Just place him next to your appetizers, fruit or cheese cubes, and your guests will do the rest. This quirky toothpick holder is 5” long and is made of washable vinyl. Toothpicks not included."

Still, still, still

I found someone who sings worse than me!



This video is hilarious, but the Chritmas Carol itself is actually quite beautiful. According to one web site, "The traditional Austrian carol "Still, Still, Still" is set to the "Salzburg Melody" dating from around 1819. "Silent Night," with words by Joseph Mohr and melody by Franz X. Gruber, is probably the most widely known and sung Christmas hymn in the world. It has been translated into 300+ languages."

Here is the Vienna Boys Choir doing it right!



Here are the English lyrics.

Still, still, still,
One can hear the falling snow.
For all is hushed,
The world is sleeping,
Holy Star its vigil keeping.
Still, still, still,
One can hear the falling snow.

Sleep, sleep, sleep,
'Tis the eve of our Saviour's birth.
The night is peaceful all around you,
Close your eyes,
Let sleep surround you.
Sleep, sleep, sleep,
'Tis the eve of our Saviour's birth.

Dream, dream, dream,
Of the joyous day to come.
While guardian angels without number,
Watch you as you sweetly slumber.
Dream, dream, dream,
Of the joyous day to come.

Enjoy!

Warm Christmas greetings from the Bonhams. May the truth of the Incarnation lead us to the foot of the Cross!

Calvinist and Arminian Witnessing - Funny Videos

To all my Calvin-hater friends, enjoy this funny (if not a little creepy) video ...

And since it's an equal-opportunity blog, this one pokes fun at Arminians ...

Found these at the Founders blog.
HT:Luke

Dunk Contest

Special Offer: Get The Expository Genius of John Calvin for a Donation of Any Amount

Another great offer from Ligonier!!!

http://www.ligonier.org/blog/2009/07/special-offer-get-the-expository-genius-of-john-calvin-for-a-donation-of-any-amo.html

Things You Don't Say to Your Wife - Tim Hawkins

I'd never heard of this guy, (Tim Hawkins) till a friend played this video and Chick-fil-A for me. He's a very funny comedian with clean content. You can see more of him on TimHawkins.net.

'Real life' Superheroes?

Click here to see a news story about a Cincinnati vigilante that thinks he's a real-life superhero. He's apparently seen one too many old Batman and Robin episodes.

There are a lot of these guys popping up, and of course they now have a website: The World Superhero Registry.

I can only hope Myles one day aspires to take the law into his own hands and rid the neighborhood of bad guys. Here he is with his 'Clark Kent' jacket ...

Man-centered tract

I found a new tract to hand out to hardened criminals in prison. They melt and tear up reading about how special they are. I'm being fecicious of course, but when I found Crossway's tracts when browsing their books/Bibles, this one was striking in it's man-centered approach.

Here are some of the quotes (my comments in green).

• "Believe it or not—no one else is just like you." - I learned this watching Mr Rogers.
  
• "He loves you and me so much; yet how often we go our own way, turning our backs on Him. God’s designs for our lives are then blocked; (emphasis mine.)" - Wow, this statement is stunning! Man is sovereign and can thwart God's designs?!?
  
• "God is not an unfeeling, cold-hearted monarch of the heavens." - unfeeling, cold-hearted no, but He's definitely an absolute monarch. Just ask the de-throned Nebuchadnezzar (Dan 4:34-35)
  
• "the Bible says, 'not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation [full payment] for our sins' (1 John 4:10)." - The 'full payment' in brackets just doesn't seem right. Doesn't propitiation mean satisfying or averting the wrath of God? How can you leave that part out?
  
• "When we trust in Jesus Christ and let Him put our lives together, the Bible says that we become 'God’s masterpieces, created in Christ Jesus' (Ephesians 2:10, paraphrase). Can anyone be more special than that?" - This paraphrase of Eph 2:10 leaves off the 'unto good works' at the end. Are we afraid we'll scare off potential converts if we imply there is a cost to following Christ? (Luke 14:25-26)
  

This tract makes you feel so warm and fuzzy, unbelievers could almost forget they are under God's wrath (John 3:36), apart from God's grace! The seriousness of sin is never communicated, leaving the impression that Christ is just a nice add-on to improve this life. The sad thing is, this was touted as the top-seller on Crossway's website.

God's creation is beautiful and marvelously sophisticated, including mankind. We are 'fearfully and wonderfully made' (Psalm 139:14). But since the fall we have been under a curse. Ephesians 2:1-3 describe us accurately.

A well-known theologian pointed out how Christ used the law as a mirror. He would bring up the ten commandments to show people how they are not good people after all. Rather than flattering them and enticing them with God's abundant love (which is abundant indeed for His elect), sometimes they would go away sorrowful (Matthew 19:16-22), even when they were came to Him searching to take their spirituality to 'the next level'.

On this theme, Jim Elliff has written an article called,"You don't look so good" which has the opposite approach from the 'You're Special' tract. This article is an excerpt from Pursuing God, his great book explaining authentic faith in Christ. You can download the audiobook for free on WayToGod!

Let us love the lost enough to tell them that they don't look so good, at least not from God's perfect perspective. Unlike Mr Rogers, Christ doesn't like us just the way we are. He is infinitely more loving than that!

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? ... And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Cor 6:9,11)

The Bacon Bible

Nothing like sacred sandwich to get a Monday started with a laugh!

HT:Thanks, Ryan!

Bill Clinton is a Calvinist?

I thought this was pretty funny usage of the term 'Calvinist' by Bill Clinton. He could have used the word Culverism and it would have made just as much sense ... (i.e. NONE)

Embedded video from CNN Video

For more on former President Bill Clinton's Calvinism, follow the HT below (since I just learned what HT stands for)...

HT: Irish Calvinist

Commercial for MacArthur Study Bible

This is funny ...

Bring in the New Year with a couple of Funny Videos

If you know Dan Warne, you probably saw this already (he posted on FB). Pretty funny stuff ...



This one is "Arminian Basic Training - How to Defeat Calvinism!" (I love the Bible highlighter idea!)



Happy New Year!

I want a Snuggy for Christmas!

Who wouldn't want to stay warm while looking like their favorite Reformer, Martin Luther?



I think I saw some guy wearing this at the Chiefs game today! -10 wind chill! Why not?!?